We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for our ability to amuse them. ~ Evelyn Waugh
How am I to be your friend when I want to hold your hand?
It’s not like I haven’t ever made you try to understand.
I know that I have missed the chance often through the years,
To make you see the joy you bring, and hidden all the tears.
I know that I should have said exactly how I feel,
But how can we just go along pretending it’s not real.
And though I’ve never said it, I have to believe you know
Just exactly how I feel though I’ve never told you so.
And is it worth the further pain to keep us only friends?
Or should I finally bring all of this to a final end?
Make no mistake, both would hurt, either way it goes,
But how does one just make that choice as only friends or foes?
I know you’ve felt the same way too, and were afraid to act.
And actions have been taken that cannot be taken back.
And, maybe I’m just wondering what maybe could have been.
Or, maybe I am hoping to have that chance again.
To tell the truth I do not know, but I know how I feel.
And I know that once, years before, this was very real.
I also know that it has changed and may never be the same.
And though it will be different I look forward to seeing you again.
Hoping that somewhere in time our paths will once more cross.
And we both take the actions to change our former loss.
Until that time, you live your life and I will just live mine.
And we will see if all of this will simply work out fine.
But know for sure that I would rather not simply be your friend.
But I stay that way because I fear what would happen if it ends.
I just hung up the phone on someone I dearly hate to hang up on–always have and always will. The strange thing is, I haven’t talked to her in almost fourteen years. I remember the last time I saw her, but I also remember that it was a very long time ago.
Funny thing was, I’m sitting there, talking on the phone and hearing the same musical voice, the nervous laugh, the fun-loving banter that was there the last time I hung up the phone. Everything was the same! Oh sure, I doubt if she looks as young as she used to, but I’m also fairly positive she won’t be fawning over any recent pictures of me, like I used to imagine she would have years ago. But deep inside, in that part that truly counts, was the same sweet person, whose friendship I had come to adore all those years ago. That special part, at least to me, remained unchanged after all this time. It makes me wonder a couple of things.
First, if I felt so strongly about this friendship and valued it so much, why did I let it slip away? Why did I take the chance of letting it go, not knowing if it would be there if and when I ever needed it? I mean, it could have been lost to the perils of time. It’s already separated itself by almost a continent from its former proximity. Had I not had just the slighted nudge yesterday evening, I can’t say that I could have renewed it before it was gone. Not that I didn’t want to, but more because I failed to. But, why?
Which leads us to the second issue–WHY? I guess we have to chalk this one up to a couple of possible answers. The first possibility is most likely laziness on my part. I seriously doubt that I have been as good a friend to others as they have treated me over the years. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that with everything else going on in life, I can’t always remember or, when I do remember, I can’t always find the time to do it. And a lot of times, it’s so late at night when I get to sit and catch my breath and think of friends, that I’m sure most of them have been in bed for hours and would, most likely, be willing to terminate our friendship after a few late-night phone calls!
Or, it could be the fact that I’ve subconsciously been trained, or training, myself over the years. Since I started this separation syndrome at the early age of nine, and then moved into a military life style, and then joined the military myself, I think I, quite possibly, have convinced myself that you are supposed to lose significant people in your life every so often and then fill those empty spots with new relationships. I mean, if you stop and think about it, that is virtually the single most important mantra of a military brat–“You’ll make a whole bunch of new friends”.
I hope that it is neither of the two reasons stated above. I would like to think that maybe, just maybe, in all my travels and experiences I have met and made so many good friends that I am just overly blessed in this area. I know there are times when I feel overly blessed. That maybe the reason that I have such trouble keeping in touch with all of them. There are just too many out there to manage or schedule time for. Yeah–I like that idea much better.
In the end, I find that what makes the friendship most valuable to me is the memories of the fun, laughter, tears, and adventures we shared with each other. For instance, I still can’t watch the movie “Hook” without remembering sitting in a theater, leaning as far to the right as I could to stay in contact with a certain someone. And if I sit and think really hard, I can remember similar situations, even conversations with all of my friends over the years. As the years roll along, I think I cherish them more and more. And, I am really trying to make a concerted effort to reach out and reconnect with old friends. And, since the question was actually asked this morning, NO, I am not wasting away from some medical issue–although, if anyone know a wasting disease that will take off about thirty or forty pounds without a lot of suffering, I am will to consider contracting it–as long as it is safe, of course. I just find that I miss you all. So give me a chance, and I will try my best to get to you as soon as I can. Because, deep down, I love and miss all of you out there. I long to hear your voice, to listen to you laugh again, or to simply hear you call my name and see you smile when I turn around. And when we do finally talk, know that I am not only building new memories with you, but refreshing and reinforcing the old ones as well.
The first thing you need to do is, LEARN THE RULES. That way you know exactly what not to do!
It is easier to gain forgiveness than obtain permission